


Tapes

by jarabec



Category: Trailer Park Boys
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarabec/pseuds/jarabec
Summary: Julian has been feeling off lately and neither Ricky nor Bubbles can figure out why.(This is set somewhere around season 1 and season 2)
Relationships: Julian/Ricky (Trailer Park Boys)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya, sorry if there is any grammatical mistake, although I live in London, English is not my first language; did as good as I could. would love to read comments either correcting the mistakes there could be or leaving your opinion!

Julian was in the porch of the trailer, supporting himself on the door as he saw the first raindrops fall. It was well past midnight and the park was oddly quiet, but Julian did enjoy the silence. Between puff and puff of the cigarette, he drank a sip or two from his rum and coke – from the outside, Julian surely looked deep in thought, but he had truly zoomed out since he lighted the cigarette.  
A figure came from the dark but Julian didn’t notice him until Randy was right in front of him, speaking already, ‘Hi Julian.’  
‘It’s 3am, Randy. What the fuck do you want?’ Julian asked blinking a few times, going back to reality.  
‘I know, but Ricky got drunk and tackled all the bins in front of the trailers.’ Randy replied. ‘Not only that, but he started to shot the squirrels, and then he passed out in front of my trailer.’ He continued. Julian simply sighted loudly and sipped from his drink. ‘Can you come to pick him up, please?’  
‘Why?’ Julian replied, shrugging.  
‘C’mon Julian – it’s raining and he has made a mess. I convinced Mr. Lahey to don’t call the cops on him, as long as you come and get him.’  
Julian got quiet a good second, thinking about the offer. He clinched his jaw and took yet another sip to then, nod. ‘Why did he got drunk on a first place? I thought he had a romantic dinner with Lucy.’ He added getting inside the trailer for a second to grab the keys of his car.  
‘I don’t know. Maybe it didn’t turn as he wished.’ Randy shrugged, waiting for Julian outside, knowing that the man enjoyed his privacy – Randy was not trying to get knocked out that night.

Julian drove quietly to Randy’s trailer, once they arrived both got out of the vehicle and walked to Ricky, who surely was sleeping it good. Randy got back inside the trailer to let Julian deal with it. At first, Julian was simply shaking him adding some Ricky, Rick bud, wake up, but once he got tired of it, he simply grabbed him and carried him to the back seats of his car to then, drive back to his trailer.

Julian left Ricky on his couch, and walked into the kitchen to top the drink, to then walk into the living room again and sit on an armchair in front of the couch. He passed the remaining hours of the night staring into Ricky without actually looking at him, zooming out.  
He tried to figure out by himself what was causing this. He hadn’t been himself for the past weeks, and he knew that Bubbles was starting to be concerned. Julian would pass the last weeks locking himself in his trailer, drinking more than usually, spending the nights rolling on his bed unable to sleep and he didn’t move from bed until later on the day, he didn’t want to hang out with either Ricky nor Bubbles, and the shine on his eyes faded. It would happen every once in a while ever since he was a kid, everyone had bad days, Julian thought, but those didn’t feel like bad days any more, and the idea of leaving the trailer park was floating on his head. Julian always believed that running away from your problems was the best way to deal with them.

Ricky started to open his blue eyes by the time the sun was already shining, he sat on the familiar couch and simply look at Julian for an instance right before grabbing the pack of cigarettes on the table, he lighted one, took a deep puff and then looked back at his friend, who was still sitting on the armchair, staring at the void.  
‘Had a crazy night, buddy.’ Ricky started to speak, bringing Julian back to reality. Julian blinked a few times, realizing he had spend the whole night doing nothing else than being lost in his own mind. ‘Lucy and I are over.’ Julian drank a sip of his drink, waiting for Ricky to continue talking which he did once he exhale the smoke of the cigarette, ‘Got fucked up, and tried to sleep in the car but the fucking squirrels and the dogs and the assholes wouldn’t let me.’ Julian nodded a few times, not even bothered to listen to him. ‘Thanks for picking me up, bud. I don’t even know where I passed out.’ Ricky met Julians’ eyes and frowned. He looked tired, his eyebags were more than notable. ‘You OK?’  
‘Yeah, Rick.’ Julian said standing up and walking to the kitchen.  
‘Bubbles been saying you are acting all strange lately.’ Ricky insisted.  
‘Bubbles is exaggerating.’ Julian replied topping his drink.  
‘OK, OK.’ Ricky exclaimed nodding a few times. ‘So, as I was saying – Lucy and I are over. I make this special fucking dinner for her and she goes and tells me that she is fucking someone else.’ Julian walked once again to the armchair. ‘Can you fucking believe it, man?’ Julian didn’t say anything back, which Ricky understood as an invitation to continue talking. ‘She is seeing this asshole who owns a used car store.’ He continued. ‘How can I compete with that, man? A fucking used car store.’ Julian nodded again. ‘Man… I just feel very...’  
‘I have to go.’ Julian exclaimed standing up, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.  
‘What?’ Ricky asked frowning, missed.  
‘I’ve things to do.’ Julian said again, walking to the door. ‘I’ll be back in a few hours. You can go to talk to Bubbles.’ He added, very drily.  
‘Are you for real man!?’ Ricky asked standing up, notably annoyed. ‘I try to talk to you about my fucking feelings or whatever and you just simply…!’  
‘Bye.’ Julian exclaimed right before leaving through the door, leaving Ricky standing in confusion.

After driving away from the trailer park, Julian lowered the windows of his car. Although the winter had already been threatening the weather, he much preferred to feel the freezing breeze. He was suffocating, and it was starting to get hard to breathe inside the car, so he did the only thing that he knew that fixed all his problems: drink another sip.  
Why did he have to run away from his own trailer as soon as Ricky started to speak about his feelings? Maybe because he was afraid he had to be the next one to talk about it. I am feeling…, was a sentence Julian always feared more than anything. Tough guys didn’t need to feel shit.  
God, it was so hot in the car. Julian had to pass his big and strong hand through his forehead to take away the sweat. He took a deep breathe, but air seemed to be unable to find its way to Julian’s lungs, and instead of stopping the car, he simply speeded up. The only time he stopped was in the liquor store’s parking, where after parking his car, he walked inside and grabbed a few bottles of rum that he paid with a few bucks he had loose on his pocket.  
Then he simply walked into the car and sat there for a minute, drank a long sip of his drink and took a deep breathe. He didn’t want to go back to the trailer park, specially since he thought that Ricky was still in his trailer, probably searching on his empty fridge with the hope of finding some peperoni or chicken. Fuck, yes, he forgot to go to the store to grab some food to eat – but being honest, for the past days the only thing he had been feeding with was either cereals that were specially dry and crisps, plus rum to wash it down. Julian clinched his jaw at the thought – he really was fucking his organism, uh?, not that he actually cared enough to go to the grocery store, instead he simply waited in his car in the parking of the liquor store, drinking sip after sip of his glass until it was completely empty and he finally had a reason to go back to Sunnyvale: get another drink.

While Julian was going back to Sunnyvale, Ricky was having some fried chicken on Bubbles’ shed.  
‘This chicken fingers are fucking great, Bubbs.’ Ricky exclaimed grabbing another one of the plate and dipping it on ketchup.  
‘Thank you Ricky.’ Bubbles replied. He was standing at the door of the shed, looking impatience. Ricky raised his head from the food and looked at his friend.  
‘You OK buddy?’ Ricky asked, Bubbles turned fast at him.  
‘Not really, Ricky. I am a bit worried about Julian.’ Bubbles replied sitting on the bed, next to Ricky. ‘He hasn’t been going out too often, you know?’  
‘Oh yes, I was in his trailer this morning. It looked like a tropical earthquake blew through there, with all the mess and dirty clothes and empty bottles and books laying around.’ Ricky replied nodding. Bubbles simply questioned the meaning of the sentence, but he didn’t give it a second thought.  
‘And he doesn’t want to hang out either. You think he is mad at us?’  
‘No. I think he is acting like a jerk and that’s it.’ Ricky shrugged. ‘Maybe he is back at the book learning and he thinks he is better than us.’  
‘I don’t think that’s it, Ricky. I think he might be going through something.’ Bubbles exclaimed. ‘Remember when we were kids and he used to skip school to stay in his trailer and get all drunk, and then he went a few days very quiet?’ Ricky simply nodded. ‘I think he is back at it.’  
‘Whatever it is, he didn’t give a fuck about my feelings so I don’t give a fuck about his.’ Ricky sentenced categorically, biting the finger chicken again.  
‘That’s not how friendship works. And I don’t think he didn’t care about how you feel.’  
‘He never fucking does, Bubbles. I break up with Lucy and all he does is leave me all with the satness.’  
‘Sadness.’ Bubble corrected.  
‘Whatever!’ Ricky simply said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of child abuse.

‘I’ve known Julian for longer than I have known Lucy.’ Sarah started to tell to the camera crew as she walked down the park. It was 5pm, the sun had already set, and on the background both Mr. Lahey and Randy were cleaning the mess Ricky did during the night. ‘Our fathers were drinking buddies. Some nights when they left to the bar, my mum would cook dinner for us, and if she wasn’t around, Julian would make the cooking – he was a wonderful cooker.’ She continued smirking. ‘You know, when we were kids Julian was totally the most sensitive one. He was very industrious too. He liked reading, helping out the neighbours, cut people’s lawns, painted houses, babysit and all for free! Can you believe it? Julian doing things for free.’ Sarah stopped for a second and smiled. ‘He was also the best in school and liked to help other boys in class, specially Ricky. He had plans to leave the park once he grew up, and go to college and get a proper job.’ She added touching her red hair. ‘I don’t know what happened; all in a sudden he skipped school, started drinking when he was 6 or 7...’ She gets quiet for a second. ‘That’s just very sad. He had so much potential and all went to waste.’

‘Oh yeah, it all started when Julian’s father left.’ Bubbles talked softly in front of his shed, on the background Ricky was rolling and lighting a joint. ‘His father wasn’t the best of the men, but fuck, did Julian idolize him.’ He continued. Suddenly he heard Ricky yell a fuck, so he turned a second to see him looking at his shirt, which just earned a new hole after the joint fell from his mouth. Bubbles decided to look back at the camera crew. ‘When he left Julian was just devastated.’ He added nodding a few times. ‘And he left him with his grandma, which wasn’t really an improvement.’

Julian walked into his trailer and shut the door closed but to his surprise, Ricky was just there, standing on the kitchen. ‘Ricky, what the fuck are you doing here?’ Julian asked. ‘You made a mess on my kitchen!’ He added, more annoyed.  
Ricky turned smiling. He had a cigarette on his mouth and was holding a baking sheet full of food. ‘Hey bud, just did some dinner for us.’  
‘What do you mean us?’ Julian asked leaving the bags with bottles of rum on the kitchen counter.  
‘For me and you.’ Ricky exclaimed smiling. ‘It’s my way to say sorry.’  
‘For what?’ Julian asked again, mixing the 3 seconds of rum, the splash of coke and the three ice cubes all in his glass.  
‘You know, because of what happened before.’ Ricky shrugged, putting the spaghetti on a plate. ‘I was kind of a jerk.’ He added. Julian didn’t say anything back. ‘Go take a sit on the couch man, this is almost done.’  
Julian sighted loudly but decided to obey. He sat on his couch and waited for Ricky who came after a few minutes with two big plates of spaghetti mixed with seafood. It looked nice, but Julian simply looked at the plate with a funny look. ‘What’s this?’ He asked.  
‘Spaghetti with some seafood, man.’ Ricky said hitting him on the shoulder with a proud smile. ‘You didn’t have shit on your kitchen!’ He exclaimed. ‘I even had to go to the store to get some stuff for you.’  
‘Ricky, I fucking hate seafood.’ Julian said standing up from the couch, disgusted even by the smell of it.  
‘What?’ Ricky asked frowning. ‘No you don’t!’   
‘Yes! I have hated it since we were kids, man!’ Julian said on the defensive.  
‘No you fucking don’t man! You hate mushrooms, not seafood!’ Ricky exclaimed, even more annoyed by the fact that Julian was not being grateful at all after the effort Ricky had put on the food.  
‘No!’ Julian exclaimed back.  
Ricky got quiet a second, thinking about it. ‘Oh fuck, it’s true. You like mushrooms and hate seafood, and Lucy loves seafood and hates mushrooms.’  
‘Go eat the fucking pasta with her then.’ Julian said going to the kitchen.   
‘No way, buddy. I wanna spend time with you.’ Ricky replied grabbing Julian’s plate. ‘It’s OK, I will cook something else.’  
‘No.’ Julian simply said. ‘It’s fucking OK, man. I am not even hungry.’ He added. ‘Just – just leave, man. I wanna be alone.’ Ricky stood staring at Julian. ‘What?’ Julian asked after an awkward moment of silence. ‘What!?’ He said louder, since Ricky hadn’t answered to the first time he asked.  
‘I just remembered something.’ Ricky simply said, leaving the two plates on the kitchen counter. Julian didn’t seem too invested in Ricky’s sentence, and if he did, he didn’t show it on his face. ‘Don’t you remember when we were kids?’  
‘A lot of shit happened when we were kids.’ Julian simply said, with his mouth on the glass.  
‘When your father was around and...’ Ricky continued saying, but Julian cut him straight away.  
‘Leave right now.’ He didn’t need to scream it, the angriness on his voice was noticeable enough for Ricky to see that Julian was not willing to let him be there at all. Although Ricky simply stayed. ‘Leave, Ricky. I am not fucking kidding.’ He added, in the same tone.   
‘Julian – you know, it is OK for people to talk about their fee…’  
‘Shut the fuck up!’ Julian screamed pushing him out of the trailer, spilling all his drink. Once he pushed Ricky outside the trailer, Julian slammed the door shot and locked it. Ricky stayed in the door and after a few seconds he started to knock it.  
‘C’mon buddy, open the door.’ The only answer he received was Julian throwing the pasta through the window. ‘Fuck Julian! Are you fucking shitting me!? I have been cooking for hours, you cocksucker!’ Ricky yelled very mad. Then he hit the door and saw Julian closing the windows.   
Ricky stayed in place for a few more seconds, until he saw that Julian was definitely not going to open the door. That’s when he simply decided to go to see Lucy, hoping she would have changed her mind.

Ricky knocked on Lucy’s trailer at 9:15pm, and stayed sitting on the porch. He rolled a cigarette and Ricky looked at the camera crew, one of the sound guys asked him what was going on with Julian, to what Ricky simply said:  
‘Fuck Julian. He is being a jerk, that’s what’s happening to him.’ Ricky started to roll a joint and sighed very loudly when he saw that his lighter wasn’t working at all. ‘Fuck it, that’s not true.’ He whispered to himself. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with Julian.’ He continued speaking louder so the camera could hear him, once he was more calm. ‘His father was a fucking jerk, and sometimes he got so drunk he would hit Julian and he would call him names, so Julian would sneak out of his trailer to come to mine – sobbing and crying and all this shit.’ He said grabbing another lighter from his sweatpants. ‘I did what I could to make him laugh but there was a day it didn’t fucking work any more – he just sat there on my bed, not saying anything at all, no tears on his eyes fucking nothing. Not emotion at all, man.’ Ricky looks at the camera for a moment. ‘It’s not always laughter in this park, you know? Sometimes shit like this happens and kids turn into people who can’t process their feelings. That’s what happens to Julian, he won’t speak about his feelings because his father used to say that it was a queer thing to do; he goes around showing off his big muscles and his tight shirts and being all tough but inside he is just a fucking scared kid who misses his father.’ He added taking a puff of his fag.

Lucy did open the door at least. It had pass around 20 minutes since Ricky talked to the camera, and Lucy didn’t seem to happy to see him waiting on the porch. ‘What are you doing here, Rick?’   
‘I came to talk.’ He replied standing up from the stairs and looking at her. Lucy took a deep breathe.  
‘Actually I am happy you’re here.’ That simply sentence lighted up Ricky’s eyes, who drew a huge smile on his face. Right when he was ready to hug her, Lucy simply handed him a big cartoon box full of tapes. ‘I found this on the end of the wardrobe. It’s from that old camera you used to own as a kid.’  
‘I haven’t seen this in forever.’ Ricky exclaimed grabbing the box. He raised his head to see Lucy ready to closed the door. ‘Hey, Lucy. Why did you find this now? They have been sitting on that closet for years.’  
‘I had to make room for Ernest.’  
‘Who the fuck is Ernest!?’ Ricky yelled.  
‘My boyfriend.’ She said right before slamming the door on Ricky’s face.

‘Ricky stole a camera from Barb and Mr. Lahey when we were around 10.’ Bubbles starts to explain to the camera crew while putting some cat food out for his kittens. ‘And he went everywhere with the camera, taking pictures and all.’ He continued leaving some water as well. ‘And the day he found out that you could record on the camera – that was a before and after for him! He was following us around everywhere with the camera, recording everything we did… much like you guys!’ He laughed shyly. ‘Then he stole a new camera because he didn’t know you could replace the tapes.’ Bubbles adds slowly denying with his head.

‘Ricky and his camera, uh?’ Randy asks standing in front of his trailer. Suddenly he smiles. ‘Of course I remember it! He really enjoyed it – and when I used to hang out with them, back in the day when we were younger, he would record us getting wasted and baked. I was a bit afraid my grandma would get her hands on those...’ Randy whispers the last part. ‘We did a lot of crazy and illegal stuff back then.’

When the night left and the sun raised, Ricky woke up in his car. After lighting a joint he walked into Julian’s trailer. He knocked a few times at the door, and for his surprise it was not locked. He walked into the trailer and saw Julian passed out on the floor of the living room. Ricky was not strong enough to carry his muscular friend to his comfortable bed, but he could, at least, make breakfast for him.  
Julian was waken up by the smell of a very familiar dish, something he hadn’t smelt since he was a kid, since before his father left. He raised his head at the smell of bacon and suddenly someone left a plate on the floor, in front of him right before sitting on the couch. Julian opened his eyes to see a sandwich leaking peanut butter and some crispy bacon inside. The last time Julian saw this sandwich was two days before his father left – it was the breakfast his dad used to make to him and for some reason, in that moment, Julian could only think about the good memories he had with him. The only word that wrapped in his mind – Julian would blame the alcohol that hadn’t fully left his body for that word, which felt very cursed – was, ‘Dad?’  
‘What?’ Ricky asked biting his sandwich. He hadn’t heard what Julian said, he had only heard Julian whispering something unintelligible.  
‘Ricky?’ Julian asked sitting down very slowly.  
‘Hey bud, had a good night?’ Ricky smiled. Julian did not answer that. ‘Made your favourite breakfast. I think. You used to love this gross fucking sandwich as a kid.’ He exclaimed smiling. ‘I made some coffee as well. Helps with the fucking hungover.’  
‘I’m not hungover.’ Julian assured standing up and grabbing the sandwich. He sat on the armchair in front of Ricky, staring at him. ‘I’m never hungover.’  
‘Whatever, buddy.’ Ricky laughed. ‘By the way, we are coming over your trailer tonight, thought you should know to clean up a bit and all.’   
‘What?’ Julian asked.  
‘This place is a fucking mess. You usually keep your trailer neat I don’t fucking know what happened but it looks like a bear and a shark had a fight inside your trailer.’ Ricky continued.  
‘No, not that. What did you say before?’  
‘Oh, yes. We are coming over tonight – I found the old tapes I shot when we were younger. We are going to smoke some dope, maybe get wasted, and watch them.’ Ricky exclaimed looking at his sandwich right before giving it the last bite.  
‘We are not doing that.’ Julian said fast.  
‘Yes we are. Everyone is very excited to watch them.’ Ricky smiled.  
‘Rick, no.’ Julian replied with authority.  
‘Fuck Julian, c’mon man! I have invited everyone!’   
‘No!’ Julian yelled.  
‘I’m sorry bud, but everyone’s going to bring crisps and alcohol; I can’t stop it now.’ Ricky shrugged leaving the plate on the table.   
Julian knew there was no other option. In a few hours, he would have to sit on the couch among many other people of the trailer park to watch some tapes of times he much rather wanted to forget. He took a deep breathe and bit the sandwich for the first time in many years and although Julian would rather die before admiring it, he almost cried – he had almost forgot the taste of the peanut butter and bacon sandwich, but a bunch of memories from very brief childhood hit his mind in such a violent way that he had to go to the bathroom. He supported himself on the sink, and slowly raised his head to the mirror and bit his lower lip, trying to contain the tears on his eyes. He grabbed his glass and drank it all, raised his head again and stare into his own reflection, showing himself some though love with words he recalled his father telling him when he cried as a child.  
What Julian didn’t know was that Ricky had his ear right on the door, listening everything that was going on inside there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a big part of this chapter was inspired on a post I saw on rickyxjulianheadcanons on tumblr (I recommend to check them out, I love their blog!)


	3. Tape I. April 27, 1982

Julian had hid all his rum inside his room. If he had to go through the whole tapes thing and in his trailer, he was going to make sure no one was going to steal liquor from him.   
His trailer was already overcrowded, and he could hear everyone on the living room drinking and laughing, talking none-stop. Julian was sitting on his toilet, trying to remember all the tapes, thinking about the ones that could expose him the most. Of course he didn’t remember what happened on all those tapes, it was years ago and back then Ricky had his camera most of the time and he would never tell if he was recording or not; maybe that’s why he became more quiet, or at least one of the reasons.  
Julian took a deep breathe and passed his hand through his hair, deep in thought. There was no reason he should go out of the bathroom, yes it was his trailer but there was nothing he’d hate the most than watch the tapes. It was, in fact, the first time anyone was going to see them, since Ricky had kind of left them in the cartoon box and forgot about them.   
Someone knocked on the door, and Julian raised his head slowly.   
‘Julian, buddy. We are gonna start to watch the tapes, get out of the fucking bathroom and join us!’ Ricky yelled.  
‘Give me a moment.’ Julian said, suddenly feeling the walls on the bathroom getting closer and closer on him. Even though there were feet away from the bathroom to the living room, he felt like he could hear the conversation like if he was there, in fact, he hated everyone on his living room for speaking so loudly, almost screaming on his ear.   
‘C’mon Jules!’ Ricky continued knocking the door.  
‘Give me a fucking moment!’ Julian yelled. He drank the whole glass and decided it was time to face reality, the only thing he could do now was grab a whole bottle of rum and say fuck to the mix, get as wasted as he could, black out and face the tapes problem the next day when everyone but him had watched them.  
As soon as Julian opened the door, Ricky grabbed him from his shoulder and dragged him into the living room, where he had saved a place on the couch next to him, but Julian much rather wanted to sit on the kitchen, but Ricky simply grabbed him strong and made him stay. Julian got his hands on one of the bottles on the table that hadn’t been touched and opened it, drank a sip and stare at Bubbles putting the first tape on while everyone started to hush, ready to hear and watch everything that happened.

[April 27, 1982.]  
The image wasn’t the best. Ricky left the camera steady on a table and stood in front of it, examinating it. Ricky’s trailer was messy, full of take-away foods since his father was away and he had not hand with cooking; Julian would hang out around his trailer a lot when Ray was away on his truck, and even cook amazing meals for him.   
Ricky looked like any other 11 years boy would look at his age. His hair was curlier and had a lighter colour and his eyes had that sparkle of innocence that kind of reminded even in his adulthood. He was a chubby kid, wearing a Helix tee that looked like it hadn’t been washed in a few days, and some sweatpants that were baggy on him.  
Suddenly Ricky grabbed the camera and focused it on his eyes, trying to understand how it worked, how video could be recorded just by a lens.  
‘This must be magic or something.’ Ricky said, his voice was the typical pre-teenage pitch voice all kids had right before hitting puberty. ‘I gotta show this to Jules and Bubs.’ He added grabbing it and walking outside his trailer. He didn’t even bothered to lock the door, there was nothing worth stealing inside.  
Ricky ran, making the image shaky and quite dizzy to see. Once you could see him approaching Julian’s trailer, he stopped and opened the door in a slam, making Julian jump on place. Julian was slightly taller than Ricky, and it was odd to see his body skinny rather than muscular. His hair was long enough to cover his ears, dark and silky, and even back then he had eyebags, although they weren’t very notorious.  
‘Julian!’ Ricky yelled out loud. ‘Julian buddy, look what I got!’ He added walking into the kitchen.  
‘Ricky, Ricky, sh.’ Julian hushed him, grabbing Ricky from his shoulder. ‘My grandma is sleeping, man. You know she gets all grumpy when she gets waken up from her nap.’ He added quietly looking straight into his grandmother’s door, making sure she didn’t even notice Ricky’s chaotic entrance. Then Julian looked straight into the camera while Ricky was recording him, and frowned. ‘What’s this?’ He asked curious.  
‘A camera, man. It records videos and all.’ Ricky said excited.  
‘Where did you get this from?’ Julian asked raising an eyebrow, suddenly very suspected. Ricky got quiet at first, and Julian knew exactly what his silence meant. ‘Who did you steal this from?’ Julian asked grabbing his iconic glass.  
‘Barb and Lahey.’ Ricky said quietly. Julian turned at him fast with his eyes wide open. ‘Look, Julian, they had it right on the door without vigilance and...’  
‘You can’t steal from Barb, Ricky!’ Julian cut him, he had exclaimed it quietly so his grandma wouldn’t wake up. Julian sighted loudly, covered his face with his palm trying to think something and then took a sip from his glass.  
‘Are you drinking? Man, it’s only 10am.’  
‘Shut up, Rick. I’m trying to think.’ Julian exclaimed; he wanted to figure out a way to return the camera with no repercussion. Maybe saying that they found it laying somewhere in the park?, they could make it look like they got the camera from someone who stole it?. None of them sounded good enough, and Julian was not good at lying – he always got very anxious and started to stutter and rumble nonsense.  
The only thing left was saying the truth. Julian wouldn’t have mind if Ricky stole it only from Mr. Lahey or anyone else really, but Barb was different. She had always took a very motherly role with all the kids in the park; Barb would make sandwiches and give them lemonade expecting nothing in return, and for some reason, that was something Julian really appreciated.   
‘We’ll go to talk to her. You are going to return the camera to Barb and apologize.’ Julian said turning and pointing at Ricky. He was not even looking at the camera although Ricky didn’t stop to record.  
‘Oh, c’mon Jules! I like the magic box, I don’t want to return it.’ Ricky complained visibly annoyed.  
‘Ricky, no.’ Julian sentenced very seriously. ‘You can play with it while I finish doing my chores, then we’ll go to talk to her and you will apologize to Barb for stealing her camera.’ He added right after sipping again from the rum and coke – by then, when the kids were 11 years old, Julian did drink, but instead of the mix he did later on, he mixed three seconds of coke and just a splash of rum.   
Ricky sighted and sat on the couch, leaving the camera on Julian’s table on a way you could see both the black-haired boy cleaning a mountain of dirty dishes and Ricky playing with his fingers, bored and mad with his friend. Suddenly something caught Ricky’s sight, a pack of cigarettes. ‘Can I have one?’ Ricky asked showing Julian the pack. Julian turned a second to see what Ricky was referring to, and then he continued cleaning the dishes.  
‘How many left?’  
Ricky counted all of them out loud. ‘Five’ He said. ‘But she won’t even notice – she will think that she smoked it while she was drunk.’ Ricky exclaimed before Julian could reject his request.  
‘OK, but just one.’ Julian agreed.   
Ricky lighted the cigarette and supported his legs on the table of the living room, starting to doze, listening the water running on the sink as Julian was finishing to clean the dishes, and then he heard Julian sweeping the trailer. Ricky smirked, thinking about the domestic scene.  
He also wondered to himself why did Julian do such a thing. Yes, his grandmother was strict, but she couldn’t care less about the state of the trailer; Julian liked to have everything neat whatsoever. Even when he hung around Ricky’s trailer, he would clean which made Ricky feel uncomfortable – it was his trailer, his friend didn’t have to clean it, and whenever he said something about it, Julian would simply look at him straight into his eyes, smirk, and say something on the lines of I like cleaning, sometimes he would go as far as to say cleaning makes me feel less useless.  
Once Julian was done, he shacked Ricky a few times until he woke up. ‘Let’s go.’ He said with the glass on his hand.  
‘You never let me have nice things.’ Ricky said right before pushing the button so it would stop recording…

...the two kids walked fast to Barb and Mr. Lahey’s trailer. Before knocking on the door, knowing Mr. Lahey would get very mad at Ricky for stealing the camera, Julian tried to see through the trailer’s window to make sure there was not a single trace of Lahey. He nodded a few times to himself and was the one who knocked at the door, staying in front of Ricky as he always did, like if he always had felt the urge to protect Ricky from whatever or whoever, at all costs.   
He would often take the blame in many things Ricky did, just so Ricky didn’t have any type of punishment – and yes, Ricky did feel grateful about it, but he didn’t like to see Julian go through problems he didn’t cause just to protect him, yet, it would be a lie if he said that he didn’t liked to feel protected by someone, since it was a feeling he never had experience before; Ray didn’t protect him and not to mention his mum, whom he never met. Often he would think that he only had Julian, and it was just Julian and him against the world – of course, Bubbles was part of the three musttardteers, but Ricky liked to think that Julian and him shared a bond like no other, and although Julian had a protective attitude towards everyone, Ricky thought that with him it was different.  
Barb opened the door and smiled at the two boys. ‘Hi boys!’ She said very excited, letting them pass into the trailer.  
‘Hi Barb.’ Both Ricky and Julian said at the same time. It smelt like heaven inside that trailer, probably something Barb was baking.  
‘Would you like some cookies?’ Barb asked as she walked into the kitchen of the trailer. ‘I just baked them.’  
‘Yes!’ Ricky said fast.  
‘Ricky, no.’ Julian whispered hitting him in the arm. Ricky simply sight. ‘Actually we came because Ricky has something to tell you.’ Julian said. Barb walked into the living room, where the boys were standing. She had a plate full of cookies on her hand, although Julian had declined them, she knew that he would change his mind as soon as he saw them.   
‘What’s that on your hand, Julian?’ Barb asked frowning, seeing the glass.  
‘Just coke.’ Julian smiled innocently.   
‘Ricky! You smell like cigarettes...’   
‘I passed in front of someone’s trailer and a bunch of teenagers were smoking.’ Ricky cut her, lying with a smile.   
Barb didn’t fully believe none of the boys, but she decided to not make any other comment about it. She simply invited the boys to sit on the couch and left the cookies in front of them. ‘So what is that you had to tell me, Richard?’   
‘I...’ Ricky chickened out and got quiet all in a sudden. If his father found out, he would get extremely pissed, and although Ray wasn’t extremely strict, that changed very fast when he was drunk – which sadly was most of the time. Julian looked at him for a second, seeing the fear on the blue of Ricky’s eyes, and took the camera from his hands.  
‘I stole this the other day.’ Julian said giving it to Barb. Barb looked at the camera in astonishment. ‘I am very sorry, Barb. I didn’t know it was yours and...’ He proceed to apologize as politely as he could. Julian had promised himself he wasn’t going to take blame on that, nor any other mischievous activity Ricky did – he didn’t had to. But as soon as he saw Ricky, afraid of the repercussions of his actions, he really felt like he had no other choice.  
‘Well – I was seriously not expecting this.’ Barb said raising her eyebrows. Then she looked at Ricky and immediately knew what really happened. Although she was mad, they were only two 11 years old boys. She looked at the camera again and hand it back, this time, directly to Ricky. ‘I didn’t even want this camera, Jim just bought it while he was drunk.’ She added. Ricky looked at the camera and then looked at Barb. ‘You can keep it. But promise me this is the last thing you steal.’  
‘I promise!’ Ricky promised happily, grabbing the camera and looking at it with a huge smile. ‘Thank you so much Barb!’ He added examining the machine closely. ‘So how does the magic work?’   
‘Sorry?’ Barb asked missed.  
‘I mean – I am guessing it is magic, right? Otherwise, how could the camera see and save the information and make exact drawings of what’s happening.’ Ricky reasoned.  
‘Ricky, that’s not -’ Julian said right before face palming. Barb simply chuckled, touch by the innocence of Ricky and proceed to explain him how it really worked.


	4. Tape II. September 8, 1985

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in season 1 (I believe), Lucy said that he had known Julian for longer than she has known Ricky, and they knew each other when they were about 17 or something, but oh well.

‘This is a waste of time.’ Julian said standing up from the couch. Ricky grabbed him strong and pushed him back.  
‘C’mon, it was the first one!’ Ricky replied smiling wide. ‘Bubs, grab a random one now.’   
‘OK!’ Bubbles replied going to the cartoon box. He closed his eyes and let his hand choose the next tape. ‘September 8, from 1985!’ He announced. Everyone cheered at that.  
‘That was when we got super drunk in Ray’s trailer, right?’ Sarah asked from the kitchen, serving a drink to herself and Cory. ‘It was the first time Tyrone passed out.’ She laughed. Tyrone nodded slowly sitting on the floor of the living room, staring at the void, remembering perfectly how mad his uncles got when they found out – he was grounded for months.  
‘Oh yes!’ Ricky exclaimed clapping excited, he looked at his side for a second – Julian was drinking a very long sip from the bottle of rum, with the alcohol burning his throat so much that he had to close his eyes. Ricky frowned, unable to do the maths on his head to understand why Julian seemed so uncomfortable and anxious about watching the tapes, or that tape in specific.   
Ricky decided to put his hand on Julian shoulder, and the muscular man almost jumped on place when he felt the contact of Ricky’s hand on him. The only answer Ricky got from that was seeing Julian drinking an even longer sip.   
‘You OK, bud?’ Ricky whispered.   
‘No, Ricky. I am not fucking OK.’ Julian whispered back as Bubbles was putting the tape to reproduce. Julian’s breathe smelt like hard liquor and cigarettes, which Ricky couldn’t say that bothered him. ‘I didn’t even want to see this fucking tapes in a first place.’ He reminded him.   
‘Yes, but you didn’t tell me why!’ Ricky exclaimed. Julian didn’t answer to that, he simply stare at the image, the tape had started. But as soon as he saw himself, at the age of 14, he stood up and left the room while everyone stared at him. Ricky frowned, concerned.

Julian went straight into the bathroom, which had turned into his safe place, somewhere no one could come in. But the chattering on the living room was finding its way to the bathroom, and he was starting to feel dizzy which Julian correctly blamed in the abnormal amount of pure alcohol he had drank.   
He had to sit on the toilet because his legs were acting funny, they started to shake as soon as he got up on the couch. Julian ran his big hands through his hair, with his eyes closed, sweating and trying to calm his heartbeats, which were growing dangerously fast per moments.   
A thunder crossed the sky, and it made Julian raise his head of the floor just to hear that. If he hadn’t been remembered of that night of September, he probably wouldn’t have minded the thunder so much, but it was raining cats and dogs while all of them were getting drunk on Ray’s trailer about 16 years ago, and the thunders sounded louder than the music, and the lightings were creeping everyone out.  
Julian didn’t need a tape to remember that night.

On the living room, Bubbles tried to figure out why the tape was playing with no sound while the video continued rolling, showing only Ricky recording Julian and Bubbles studying on Bubbles’ shed.  
‘Julian was so cool back then.’ Randy smiled, looking at a younger version of Julian.  
‘Randy,’ Bubbles started to say once he turned his head to look at the bigger guy. ‘he was depressed, there’s nothing cool about that.’ He whispered. Randy didn’t say anything back, acknowledging his mistake on the words he chose.  
Suddenly the sound started to play and everyone simply looked back at the tape.

September 8, 1985  
14 years old Bubbles, Julian and Ricky were well known on the park, in fact, they were the most popular guys on Sunnyvale – who didn’t know the boy who went around taking care of all helpless kitties of the car? Or the boy with the tight black shirts and the glass on his hand? Not to mention the boy who supplied all the park with the best weed in the whole city.  
Although all three were always involved in reckless shenanigans and mischievous actions, Bubbles’ common sense was strong enough to keep the other two pre-teenagers on the leash, and Julian liked studying, so that was one of the little peaceful activities they could share together: study.  
You could blame either Ricky’s short attention span or the excitement he had for the night, but meanwhile his other two best friends tried to study for a literature exam they were going to take next week, Ricky could only speak about the party he was going to throw on his trailer while his father was away with the truck.  
‘You think we’ve enough alcohol for everyone?’ He asked.   
‘Yes bud.’ Julian said softly, grabbing Ricky’s book and pointing at a sentence. ‘But now we have to focus on this, OK?’ He added, speaking on the same tone.  
‘Yeah, yeah, but –‘ Ricky tried to continue talking about the party, but Julian hit twice the book with his finger to try to make Ricky look at the sentence he was trying to explain to him.  
‘That’s the night, Ricky. We have to talk about The Importance of Being Ernest.’ Julian replied smirking. ‘Did you read the chapter I told you to read?’ He asked looking at Ricky for an instance. Ricky didn’t need to hear any answer from his friend, Ricky’s eyes reflected that he hadn’t. ‘OK, let’s read it together then.’  
For a long time, back when they were kids, the three boys had their life way more figured it out than they’ve never had it. Bubbles told everyone he was going to be an astronaut, and he spend all the time either reading about the space or getting better at fixing engines, meanwhile Ricky knew damn well he was going to grow dope as he had started to do last year, he was very good with plants in general, and Julian wanted to be a literature teacher, something he didn’t say too often nor too loud afraid people might judge it since, like his own grandmother said, it was quite queer.   
Five minutes into the tape and the only thing you could see was Bubbles writing down in a notebook and Ricky reading while Julian supervised him, made sure he kept his attention focused on the book and correcting some words Ricky mispronounced.

But once the video cut and played again after some seconds of complete black, the image was Ricky’s trailer. The trailer was obviously overcrowded, teenagers topping their drinks with a lot of alcohol and little mix, and passing joints of Ricky’s weed. The image was shaky, probably because Ricky was walking around his trailer showing what everything was doing.  
Tyrone was already very drunk by then, and instead of decline the drinks that J-Roc was offering him, he took them like one takes a lifesaver on a boat that’s sinking.   
‘Stop giving him drinks!’ Sarah exclaimed grabbing Tyrone’s drink off his hand. Tyrone groaned, with no energy left to even use words. His eyes were closed, and he was lying on the floor with half his body supported on the wall. ‘He’s going to pass out!’ Sarah warned.  
‘C’mon, Sarah! Let the boys have fun, know what I’m sayin?’ J-Roc replied opening his arms, a bit annoyed with the overprotective motherly personality of Sarah.  
‘I said no more drinks for him.’ Sarah replied looking at J-Roc very serious. Tyrone groaned once again.   
Sarah left the two boys and walked in front of Ricky’s camera, that’s when Ricky passed next to Randy and Bubbles on his kitchen, making some sandwiches while chatting.   
‘This party is fucking awesome, man.’ Ricky said to himself, he walked across the corridor to show the party from far enough to be able to see everyone.  
People dancing, smoking, drinking. A teenage party by all means. The only thing Ricky was a bit concerned about was Mr. Lahey crashing into the party and fucking everything up. Ricky wanted to continue living in that moment for years, be that high, be that drunk.  
That was when the first lighting broke into the sky followed by a loud thunder, forecasting the up-coming storm.

Ricky walked around a bit more, long enough to show Tyrone lying on the floor unconscious and two of his friends drawing dicks on his face with a marker as they laughed. Suddenly Ricky turned fast and zoomed in Julian on the couch chatting with a boy named Noah, a guy around their age that lived in the park; they weren’t doing much, just drinking and talking, sometimes sharing a gentle chuckle or loud laughs, but they were the only ones who weren’t dancing nor trying to get as wasted as possible.

But then was another cut and, all in a sudden, the trailer was emptier and the only ones who stayed in the party were Ricky, Lucy, Bubbles, Sarah, Julian, Noah and three more girls, all sitting on a circle with an empty bottle in front of them.  
‘Can we play that 7 minutes in Hell shit or whatever?’ Ricky asked recording the faces around him.  
‘It’s 7 minutes in Heaven, asshole.’ Sarah replied. ‘And yes, we are going to play 7 minutes in Heaven.’ Added, spinning the bottle.  
‘But you can’t record anything inside the closet, you fucking creep.’ Lucy exclaimed looking at him with a smile. The bottle stopped all in a sudden in front of Bubbles. The boy blushed very bad, so much that you could almost feel the burning on his face through the video, and everyone on the circle chuckled.  
‘Let’s go, Bubbs.’ Sarah smiled standing up and offering him her hand to help him to stand up.   
‘Yes – OK. Not big deal.’ Bubbles said in an oddly pitch voice that made the guys laugh.  
Seven minutes later, Bubbles and Sarah were back, the young boy blushing even more than he did before leaving inside the closet. Then was someone else’s turn, who stopped in front of Sarah and she, once again, walked into the closet this time with a girl.  
When it was Ricky’s time, he prayed to Santa Jesus God that the bottle stopped in front of Lucy, and it seemed like his prayers were listened because once it lose speed, it was in front of Lucy sitting in front of him.  
‘Yeah!’ Ricky yelled leaving the camera on the floor.   
Ricky came back with Lucy seven minutes later, full of lipstick around his face that matched the colour on Lucy’s lips. When he grabbed the camera back, he turned the camera to Julian since it was his time to spin the bottle.  
‘I don’t really want to play this.’ He said standing up.  
‘C’mon Julian! Don’t be a killjoy!’ Lucy exclaimed making him sit again; everyone knew it was because she wanted it to stop on her, spend a few minutes with Julian in the closet. Julian huffed loudly, but was willing to stand up again.  
‘Lucy’s right. This can be fun, Jules.’ Noah said staring into Julian’s blue eyes with a smirk. That glance was very complicit, and it looked like no one but Julian could understand what it really meant. But somehow, it made Julian sit back and spin the bottle.  
‘Hey, Noah – don’t fucking call him like that. That’s my nickname for Julian.’ Ricky exclaimed recording Noah, zooming into his face. As an answer, Noah simply winked at him, which made Ricky’s blood boil in fury.  
Ricky disliked that boy, perhaps dislike wasn’t the right word, more like he despised him. He hated Noah’s straight and silky auburn hair, he hated his stupid tan and his face full of freckles, Ricky loathed Noah’s long and pinkish big lips, and not to mention his tall body already getting muscular. Did he had any reason to hate the boy? Well, not really – Noah was very nice, and he liked hockey as much as Ricky himself did; in fact, they had a lot of things in common. But lately Noah had invaded a title that Ricky had claimed as his, and it was being Julian’s best friend. Julian didn’t hang out with Ricky as much as he used to, he didn’t help him to study nor even came around his trailer as often as he did before meeting Noah, and it made Ricky feel… jealous? Well, yes, jealous indeed, he was Julian’s best friend, he shared that special bond with Julian, and now, seeing someone replacing him… damn Ricky wasn’t good with words, but he was sure there were no words to describe the kind of jealously he felt.  
The bottle stopped to spin and Julian’s eyes opened wide when he saw that it had stopped in front of Noah. ‘I am not getting in the closet with him.’ He said before anyone could talk.  
‘You don’t have to make out in the closet, dumb dumb.’ Lucy laughed. ‘You can just – hang out and all.’ She reminded him. Julian shook his head in disapproval.  
‘C’mon, we can use the seven minutes to go over the literature exam.’ Noah said standing up and walking through the closet.  
‘If Julian doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t have to –‘ But Ricky didn’t finish that sentence, because he saw Julian standing up, walking to the closet and slamming the door behind him.  
Seven minutes later, Sarah knocked on the closet and both boys walked out. What no one ever noticed was that Julian was not wearing his tight black shirt but a blue one instead, and Noah, on the other hand, seemed like he was wearing a black shirt a size down. But, again, who could have noticed that?

There was yet another cut and once again it took it a few seconds for the image to be back. The trailer was absolutely empty, no one but Ricky and Julian were there and the sounds of the storm started to turn more and more terrifying. Ricky, who had the camera on his shaky hands was lying on the couch, recording Julian trying to clean all the mess of the party.  
‘You don’t have to clean that, buddy.’ Ricky said, on his voice you could hear that he was very wasted and way too baked to speak without rumbling. Julian didn’t say anything back, so Ricky repeated once again.  
‘If Ray comes back before you expect and he sees this mess, he’s going to freak out.’ Julian replied mopping the kitchen where someone had puked – probably Tyrone before blacking out.   
‘He’s coming in four days, bud.’ Ricky reminded him.  
‘That’s what he said.’ Julian said. ‘And let’s not pretend that you’re not lazy; I know you won’t clean shit.’ He added. ‘I’ve just cleaned the bathroom and trust me, you’d have never cleaned that.’ That last comment was more to himself than to Ricky.  
Ricky sat on the couch and felt his head very light. He reached for a pack of cigarettes that was on the table, and lighted one.   
People had left 30 minutes before Ricky started to record again, right before the storm reached its strongest point. The raindrops were hitting the windows so violently that Ricky was afraid they were going to break at some point, and the thunders sounded like cannons.   
Julian was done with the cleaning shortly after. It was safe to say that Ray’s trailer had never looked cleaner. Julian turned to see Ricky and walked towards him and shacked him a few times since the boy had felt asleep with the fag on his mouth. When Ricky opened his eyes, he saw Julian and smiled big. ‘Let’s get you to bed, buddy.’ Julian said helping Ricky to stand up.  
He walked Ricky to his own bedroom, since Ricky was so drunk it looked like he had no idea where he was. Once they were inside, he helped his friend to lay in bed while Ricky still had his camera recording, holding it on his hands very carefully. Ricky laughed and zoomed into Julian’s face.  
‘You are very fucked up.’ Julian smiled. ‘Get some sleep.’ He added, ready to leave, but Ricky stopped him.  
‘I did some thinking.’ He started to say. ‘When we grow up, we’ll get our own trailer, for me and you, and we’ll be very far from my dad and your grandma.’ Julian smiled very big all in a sudden. ‘And Bubbs will live in the shed, one as big as a trailer can be, or at least he’ll live there when he is not up in the space doing his astronaut things.’ He continued. For some reason Julian seemed enchanted; at every word Ricky said, Julian smiled bigger. He sat on the feet of the bed, ready to hear more about Ricky’s plans for the future. ‘I’ll grow the best dope in Canada, and you will do your book learning to be a literature teacher, and Sarah can be on the trailer next to ours. Far from Sunnyvale.’ Ricky got quiet a good second, his hands started to shake softly and so did the camera, which was still zoomed in Julian. ‘And when Lucy finally agrees to date me, she’ll move in with us.’ And just like that, Julian’s smile faded.  
He stood up and walked to the door, when he was ready to leave, Julian said without even looking at Ricky, ‘You should sleep.’  
‘Yeah, I think you’re right.’ Ricky said. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to stay here? It’s raining chickens and birds out there.’ He exclaimed a bit concerned.  
‘It’s OK.’ Julian replied.  
‘OK, love you buddy.’   
Julian stayed in the door a second, and finally talked in a very dull tone, ‘Goodnight, Ricky.’ And left the room closing the door behind him.  
Ricky looked at the camera for a second and smiling, he realized that it was still recording. ‘Fucking magic box, recording private conversations.’ He exclaimed pressing the button…

…Julian walked out of Ricky’s trailer. It surely was freezing and the rain was leaving him soaking wet, but he did not go to his trailer. He had lied to his grandmother saying he was going to stay the night in Ricky’s, well, it wasn’t exactly a lie, that was what he had planned to do.  
He wandered around the park, mostly thinking. He thought about what Ricky had said, it did seem like a good plan, a perfect one, but there was something holding him back on that. He huffed, shivering very bad, coughing, and he found himself in Noah’s garden. He hit Noah’s window, waiting for the boy to open it, and after a few minutes he did.   
‘You’re fucking wet.’ Noah smiled, sticking his head out of the window. Julian nodded slowly, clinching his jaw. His eyes were hid behind his soaked black hair. ‘Go back to your trailer, we can talk tomorrow morning.’ He whispered, looking behind to make sure his father wasn’t listening to him.  
‘I’ll go with you.’ Julian spoke.  
Noah turned his head to Julian very fast, shocked. He thought Julian wasn’t going to agree, he saw his reaction on the closet, but now he sounded so determined. ‘Are you shitting me?’ Noah asked, this time not caring about how high he was speaking. Julian simply nodded, but Noah seemed to don’t believe him.  
‘Yes. I’ll go with you.’ He said again.  
Noah smiled very big and nodded slowly, but Julian didn’t smile, he simply stood there in the rain. ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow morning.’ He exclaimed, hearing footsteps approaching. ‘You’d leave before my dad finds you.’   
And just like that, Julian left to sleep on the bench of the playground of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.


End file.
